A few days ago I lost a very close friend of mine. I don’t even know what to think, still. I have had a couple of conversations with friends and family and all I can think of are the memories that I have, thanks to my friend. In a conversation that I had with my husband I was reminded that loss of a loved one for me can hit in a very different way. For example when my grandparents passed away, I went almost completely to the beautiful memories. When my aunt died I did a similar thing. My family does this thing where we sit around the table, eating good food, and we tell stories about our lives as well as stories about our loved one. This helps all of us move past any lingering anger or blame or even denial, without giving in to the desire to dwell on those feelings.

Does this process that my family does mean that I don’t grieve or go through emotional swings? Absolutely not. I spent most of the last three days in a bit of an emotional haze. Yesterday, I began to start feeling a bit closer to myself. Today however was a fun blur of activity. I felt the need to do something a bit more physical, so I started to get ready to paint a hallway in my house. Next thing I know I’m washing dishes, sweeping the floor, prepping to paint, and trying to add three or four more things to my list, because my mind is just spinning out of control. Before sweeping turned into a deep clean of a room that doesn’t need it I reached out to my mother. She immediately directs me towards cleaning a more inclosed space. Which would allow my OCD to fly free without leaving 10 unfinished projects behind when my body finally gave up. I literally cleaned my spare room from ceiling to floorboards. I still have a couple of things to finish in the room but I burned all of my built up energy.

My brain is still swirling around in circles, thanks to my high anxiety levels but I am giving myself things to do every day that make me think of my late friend so I can continue to face my new reality. My friend is all around me, every day, in everything that I do, and constantly inspiring and pushing me to keep moving forward.

When I first started this journey there were many things that I was unsure of. I had no idea what direction this page would go, that I would attach it to a Facebook page, and that I would be talking about some of the hardest things that I have ever gone though in my life. Which brings me to my history. Here I will do my best to tell you my story, my past. As time goes on I might add details that I skipped unintentionally or haven’t gotten to yet. I hope that this helps.

I was born in New Hampshire and there I lived for the first 7 years of my life. It was just my parents and I and our cat Max. I remember we lived across the street from a forest that my father and I would go and explore in when he was home. At that time he was still flying for the Air Force. My mother was a manager of a clothing store. And I was a bundle of curiosity and oodles of imagination. I had imaginary friends (four of them) that would go on grand adventures with me around our neighborhood or simply in our yard. I learned to roller skate in our basement, ride my bike on our very quiet street, swim and tumble at the local gymnasium, build snow families in our front yard, eat rock soup with my uncle, learned to play soccer, and all kinds of young things. As I started school I went from kindergarten to pre-first and then first grade. Then we moved to Southern California in the middle of the year. We drove across the country, stopping to see family and different sights along the way, just the four of us in the car.

In Southern California we ended up staying in a hotel looking at the ocean for three months as we house hunted. I started school and had grand adventures at the beach until we finally moved into our house. Once there I could walk around the block to my school. My father was now a reservist in the Air Force and had started working at McDonald Douglas West. My mother started working for a bank as a teller. Most of school was okay. Yes I had a couple of bad teachers, yes I was bullied a bit because I looked different, but I made friends and started playing soccer, which helped me gain a sense of belonging that helped me move past those difficulties. We fell into a rhythm in our new home and after a few more years my parents revisited a conversation that I had started when I was 5- Me being an older sister via adoption.

At this point I was 10, had a fairly solid foundation of friends, which included a cousin of mine who is very much like a brother to me, soccer, and I still really wanted to share my wonderful world with a child or children in need. We all knew that if we found someone with siblings that we would absolutely keep a family together. The process began and soon we were introduced to Rudy and Louie, fraternal twin brothers. Both were full of energy and life and had a very rough beginning to their lives. They had lived with their mother for 6 years and then finally put into the system. We met them shortly after they had turned 8. As we got to know them we knew that we wanted them to be a part of our family, and they wanted to be a part of ours. During the adoption process Rudy changed his name to James, with Jamie as his official nickname. Louie kept that as his nickname and Luke as his first name. They both took our last name and it seemed like things were going to go well. Shortly after the adoption was finalized we discovered that the boys had a half sister in the system. So we battled the courts to unite a family. I still remember the first time I laid eyes on Rosemary. She came running out of the foster house that she was living in, a striped shirt done in primary colors, with her beautiful brown curls bouncing around her face and a huge smile to greet my parents. I remember stumbling because she looked exactly like one of my baby pictures that my grandmother had in our family album.

I was recently challenged by a good friend to start keeping a journal. I told her that I have tried this before and have had little success with it thus far. She smiled and reminded me that I have a lot of stuff floating around in my mind, that is effecting my body, so I have taken the challenge seriously. Every time my mind starts to go into overdrive I sit down with my notebook and start writing the thoughts and words that are floating around in it. There are some entries that are more like a traditional journal, very this is my day kinda stuff. Then there are other entries that are disjointed, unorganized, and simply me writing down the words that needed to be put down, simply a stream of consciences. I just finished another entry and realized that I really should start blogging this journal. Yes that are parts of it that really don’t make a lot of sense, but then there are other moments that are pretty darn powerful in one way or another. Plus, I have promised to post things here that get down to the heart of me, and this gets pretty personal. So, here we go…my brain vomit.

10/21/21 at 16:30

Pretty sure I have a slight cold. Thanks to being out in the cold last night- Go Rapids!! Unfortunately now whenever there is anything slightly connected to an upper respiratory issue my anxiety level spikes and stays there. Deep breathing helps keep my body relaxed enough but that doesn’t stop my mind from spinning in fun little circles. Man there are moments when I could reach into my own thoughts, grab them by the cheeks and tell them that they are going to be okay. Just because one thing is out of place, does not mean that we are going to explode. Who knows, maybe if I allow myself to have a complete meltdown, I might find a scooch of clarity. Who knows. For these moments I’m content with chocolate cake and Hallmark movies.

10/24/21 at 2:14

You know those moments when the body is dying for rest but the mind refuses to stop? Then the anxiety kicks in and the body starts almost aching it wants to let go so bad? The problem is, anxiety has no outlet when there is no trigger to work through. Was my job a problem? YES! Did I really need to quit for my health? HELL YES! Was I hoping that my anxiety levels would drop? Yes. Am I surprised that they haven’t? Not really. My appitite for the most part has returned. I feel much more connected to myself, than I have in a very long time. I have the energy when I’m not battling colds, to finally do some small things around the house. Which feels amazing. I really hate not having answers for myself yet. I know that to expect them this quickly is a bit silly but why not feel like I should be headed in some sort of positive direction emotionally. Now, to be fair my stress level has dropped, drastically so. For the most part I am getting 6+ hours of sleep, which is great. Not quite ready to look at the job market yet. Something inside keeps screaming that I’m not there yet. I’m still processing a few things, relearning myself, figuring out how I fit in my own body now. So much has happened in the last decade that I never really allowed myself to deal with. Physical trauma, emotional trauma, life changes, and the works. Some people don’t need to take the same kind of personal time, but I’m an artist by nature. I’m an empath. I feel everything from others and myself. It’s time I allow myself to start filtering through my emotions and dealing with them. If that means pages and pages of written words, then so be it. I can’t keep shuffling it aside. My journey will probably be a bit disjointed, but I need to take this seriously and honer myself and this process. I love my family and friends, and my ever patient and loving and supportive husband. If I can take this journey and hopefully come out the other side stronger and with a few answers, maybe during all of this I will be able to truly finish some of these stories or projects around the house. Now I feel like I’m turning in another circle/spiral. Which happens with my mind. Pretty sure I have never really scribbled down my thoughts while they spin around in my head like a tornado. Most of the time I can’t tell if I am the storm or the idiot standing in its path trying to study it. I’m sure in ways I am both. The storm is probably my pent up emotions wrecking havoc in my mind while I stand in it’s path trying to analyze it. But I can’t wait for this to pass me by before I begin taking these chances. I need to start unraveling some of this swirling pain and confusion and who knows what else, so I can start working through things. Not sure the best way to do this beyond writing. Not diving into a story, but just allowing my mind to say what it needs to. Man that is a scary thing to realize. So often I don’t finish things because I don’t know what will come next. I need a project, to be busy, to be creative. Then there is the self doubt that anyone is going to like what I finish. Who cares? I’m not doing this for anyone. I’m doing this for me. If anyone else ever reads this and it helps them, fantastic. If I read this and it helps me, even better. If these words never see the light of day again, but this whole thing helps me, then great. This project isn’t meant for anyone bt me. But who knows. Maybe I can revisit the idea of blogging my thoughts. Maybe someone out there will get something out of my journey. Aaron has found a way to help him remain social through his streams. He is doing great with it, and it makes me happy to see it. He deserves the world. So many people in my life do. I know that I deserve more then I allow myself as well, but I almost always come last, except right now. This time it’s time for me to look at me under a microscope and figure out how I tic, now. I have changed and never really taken a look at who I am now. I know that I am still a loving, strong, and stubborn woman with a huge creative streak. But what does that mean for me in the future. I’m also a teacher, leader, introvert, tortured soul, goth, nerd, tea drinker, listener, problem solver, outside the box thinking person. I am fantastic with people but I feel overloaded right now by them. Hell, right now I feel like I should dress as warmly as possible, fill my callback with water, grab some almonds, wake Aaron up, have him drive me somewhere (blind folded) and drop me off and I will make my way home. I should have hime choose a location that is about 6-8 miles from the house, so it takes me a while to get back. Of, course I will have my headphones so I can listen to music while I walk. The only real downside is that I won’t be able to write while I walk. Making recordings of me talking has never been as helpful to me. I feel like I am more honest when I put pen to paper. Like I get more out. Like I drop some kind of filter that I use with others when I talk. Do I talk about the big things? Yes. But that doesn’t mean that I have truly processed everything in my mind. Another urge I have right now is to start writing letters. To who, I don’t have a complete list, but I think I should. Maybe it will help me expresss some of what I need to say to some of the people I need to share my journey with. Yep. That is what I’m going to do. Now that I have been writing the swirling thoughts in my mind for almost a complete hour. Thanks for being the paper I could trust my pen to. Write again soon.

10/26/21 at 19:40

Strange day of up and down going on today. Anxiety has been pretty high all day. This morning was fairly normal, but the further into the day I got the higher it has become. Right now my mind keeps wandering instead of focusing on the here and now. Luckily right now not focusing is not a huge priority.

10/29/21 at 15:55

Cause and effect. Trial and error. Seek and destroy. Beginning and ending. Three words commonly strung together when phrasing things in their simplest terms. Yes I know that there are many, many more. That isn’t the point though. The point is I’m searching for answers and in that search I am walking close to these phrases in many ways. The cause of my elevated anxiety. Different ways to help me cope with my anxiety when it does spike. Looking for answers to my many unanswered internal questions. Starting the next chapter of my personal journey. Many things that overlap in so many interwoven ways. I’m not even sure that I want to untangle how, as long as I can figure out some of my answers. I hate feeling so fragile, when I know that I am a strong person. I hate having my body freeze up, when I know that nothing is physically wrong. I also hate feeling so soul sore, almost constantly. One of these moments I might find a puzzle piece or two. It’s why I’m continuing to journal ike this. It might help me locate and put together some of tases elusive pieces.

11/5/21 at 9:40

Feeling stuck. And fragile. Also exhausted. Waking up at 5:00 for the third day in a row sucks. I’m taking melatonin to help me sleep, and I’m still struggling with a full nights rest. Bit of sinus gunk going on today- go change of seasons. Eating is a struggle, despite actually being hungry.

11/7/21 at 17:00

Being surrounded by people simply makes me want to either cry or run screaming. I hate this feeling. I have never been a huge fan of croups but I’m starting to feel more and more like a recluse because of this feeling. No matter ow often I do my deep breathing exercises, the anxiety never quiet leaves. Mind you half the people around me, I know. It’s not like I’m surrounded by strangers. That never seems to matter though. I just need time and lots of more self heart to hearts. I’ll get there eventually.

11/12/21 at 20:26

Dinner fantastic, movie hits home, brain can’t be put off anymore today. I promised myself to write whenever I needed to, and twice today I have put it off. Once on my way home with our lunch and rain before I worked on dinner at 17:00. My thoughts earlier were interesting and defanitaly worthy of writing. So here they are.

Pain, hurt, heartbreak, anger, confusion, loss, broken, underserving, betrayed, frustrated, depressed, lost, shredded, shattered, missing.

All of these thoughts run through my mind all the time, especially on days like today. Days where my hormones are swinging around, like a todler on a tire swing. I dressed up a bit today in the hopes that it might help me feel a bit better about myself, it almost worked. I didn’t feel better, but I did feel less like a lump on the couch. It’s another reason why cooking multiple meals a day is helping, I feel useful. Slowly I’m taking back our house as well. Yes, there are piles of things to go through still, but one small bit at a time I am putting things in order, and it feels good looking around seeing it. It is also nice knowing that I have help, love and support during all of this. I may not be motivated to job hunt yet, I am moving slowly towards what is going to come next. I find myself thinking of different directions that I could see myself going, or even projects that I could finish, that could lead me in that direction.

One thing I do know fore sure is that I’m going to keep true to my mind. If it is telling me to let go, I am going to do just that. I can’t keep bottling my mind up. It needs to run free, and the best way I know how to let it do that is with words. I love words. They convey so many emotions, some powerful, some subtle, but when they are expressed our souls and minds are moved. Words can heal, wound hurt, inspire influence, and so many other things. There is a good reason why the saying, ‘The pen is mightier than the sword.’, is so true. Yes, a physical thing can effect us, but the words we use will always have a more powerful effect. As I write this, I can’t help but think of the tragedies in our lives that are physical; car crashes, bombs, war, guns, violence, illness, and other such things. They can end a life forever, change lives forever, and those things cause many different reactions. They were also caused by many different things, but many times words were a guiding factor in both the cause and after effect of them all. My personal tragedies are not life ending to myself or the others involved, but they are what helped shape me into who I am, and brought me to where I am now. Battered, bruised, chipped, and probably cracked in a few places, but not broken beyond repair. Multiple types of abuse, bad choices, second chances, unconditional love. Sums up some of my journey both past and present.

Most people who know me, are very aware that I will talk about my siblings and what it was like growing up with them. I don’t hide the fact that I was emotionally abused by two of my three siblings in different ways. I will even admit that there are huge gaps in my memories surrounding my childhood thanks to Jamie’s twin. Rosemary’s abuse while occasionally on purpose was never completely her fault. But their words caused a lot of the gaping wounds in my mind and should that I still struggle with today. Also, on top of that was being a socially awkward older sister to a fantastic younger brother that out shined her in almost every way. Singing in school gave me an outlet to a lot of emotions that I had inside of me. Sports gave me a physical way to work through my demons. Neither one of these set me apart from him, because he was better at both. I could have hated him for this, but I don’t. A bit jealous, yes, but pride in his abilities always won out. Also, I was a better student, no offense to him. But words, words guided us both. To show him how much I loved him in high school, I did my senior English paper on him. Then after it was graded, I gave it to him. It was the first time that he truly understood how deeply and unconditionally I love him. He returned the favor a year later by sharing his biggest secret with me. Mind you it was a secret that I had been defending for him for almost a decade at this point. I still remember the conversations that we had after those two moments. After he took the time to read my report he found me hours later in my room and we talked about how much my words meant. How such a small but brave thing on my part brought us closer. It was because of that moment that a year later, I was the second person that he told that he was gay too. While I had known for years, I made it clear that he had my love, support, and anything else he needed from me, always. Those moments I can pick out easily, but ones that include our siblings, not so much. There are some moments that I remember bits of, but not all of the details. I do know why anger scares me. anger was a tool that Louie used when manipulating one of us. I had to learn how to hide my anger and he just found more creative ways of triggering me. I still to this day don’t deal well with certain types of angry situations, because they are to close to how he treated me. When I walk away in an argument, it is to help me control my emotions, following me to continue the conversation only makes things worse. I am a stubborn person who doesn’t think before talking sometimes. This happens quite often with my husband. To me my tone may not sound grumpy, sarcastic, or condescending, but it is to him. These moments hurt me, probably more than they do him, but his way of pointing out what I have done hurts even more than my original flash of guilt. It shuts me down because I know that no matter what I say it will not help the situation. Words, the most effective weapon I have ever personally come across.

11/15/21 at 13:19

Today has been a bit rough. My allergies are on the fritz, weee the ganging of the seasons. On top of that, Aaron is still fighting a serious sinus infection. I’m constantly having to remind myself that we are still going to be okay. No matter what life throws us. The prospect of traveling to California next month, on a very tight budget still worries me. I still think the smart move is still to ask for assistance with food/gas money, so we don’t have to strain ourselves to much. Juggling all of the bills on one income works but the due dates make things a bit challenging. I’m still searching my should to find the inspiration I need in order to figure out my next step. It’s out there, it will reveal itself when the time is right. The wait just has me super nervous. I talked with a good friend yesterday and some of what she said really hit home for me. I need to keep moving forward in finding myself some outside help. The search is not going to be a simple one but a needed one. I may need to wait until I’m working again in order to pay for this, but the journey I’m taking is not one that is simple. I need to remove some of these scabs and bandages and make sure that I’m healing in the best way that I can. Also as nerve wrecking as it is, eventually, when I’m a smidge stronger, I would like to give something like hypnotherapy a try, to possibly dive into some of my blank spots and deal with those moments. By moments I mean years. I only have small moments within those years. But like I said, I know that I need to deal with some more current/recent things before going there. A few of those words that I love to repeat need to be looked into. Such as betrayal, broken, heartbreak, loss, shattered, and missing. Some of those circle around my miscarriages and inability to conceive. Some of those surround my sister’s more recent outbursts towards me and my family. I am sure that there are things that I am overlooking, but those are the big ones. Of course I would like to continue diving down this dark rabbit hole but my headache is returning, so I’m going to jump down the hole later. Stupid head. Write again soon.

11/16/21 at 10:46

We all-okay a lot of people-have trauma in their lives. How it effects us is very personal and is never the same. Even if it is the same ‘event’ over and over again. That is how abuse works. Sometimes it isn’t intentional, such as certain self-destructive behaviors. One of my longest standing self-destructive behaviors is starvation. When I first started this behavior it was after I graduated high school. Every time I looked in the mirror all I could see was a brown eyed, Curley (and untamable) headed, tan, and over weight (155 lbs of muscle) nobody. My friends and I went out dancing almost every night, I worked every morning and I pretty much ate half a meal a day. I did this for months, probably 6-8 months or so. Nothing made the reflection any different, until I hit 130 and my mother pointed out how sickly I looked. I promised to start eating again, and I did. I got back up to 140 and couldn’t get past that point. Anything more and I was fat, any less and I was ill. But I was still unhappy with who I saw. I wasn’t special. My friends were beautiful and smart and outgoing and I was a tag along, the side kick, wing-woman, etc. I grew frustrated with myself and began compromising my moral standards. I thought sleeping with guys might help me feel better, nope, I only felt worse. That is when I stoped seeking sex and was simply content to share a bed with a guy, when my friend was enjoying herself. And then it happened, I was out with my friend and we were drinking at another friends apartment. We knew the guys who lived there but not their friend. I thought I was enjoying the night but wanted to take a walk when my friend disappeared with her boyfriend and his roommate crashed for the night. The third guy walked with me, flirted with me, and I was drunk enough to be flattered and ignore my instincts. He talked me into sitting in my car and talking with him, which quickly turned into more. I remember saying no and to stop, but I didn’t fight. There was not struggle but I wasn’t happy. After, I withdrew into myself, and let him walk me back to the apartment. I didn’t know how to get away, so I pretended to fall asleep next to him on the couch. I eventually got up to use the restroom and then went into the roommates room to sleep. In the morning as we drove home I told my friend what had happened. Her response was that, that happens all the time. I knew she was wrong, I knew what had happened to me was wrong, but I still hadn’t put a word to the moment. A few nights later when we were back at our favorite club I was talking with the roommate, and I told him. He immediately apologized for what happened, promised to never let him be alone with me or any of their other female friends. He also apologized for not noticing my discomfort with him before I had started drinking. I reminded him that I had ignored my own instincts and he reminded me that a good friend keeps others safe from themselves. That night changed me. Sex returned to being special, friendships changed drastically, and I began to find some self worth again. I realized that I wanted to become a good friend more than I wanted to see beauty in the mirror. The harder I worked on making sure that the person I was becoming was someone to be proud of the more I came to like who I saw in the mirror. Looking back I know that some of my self-destructive urges are still there, but because of hard work and finally being proud of who I am, I can avoid a lot of them (just ask my scale).

11/30/21 @ 1800

Three days of crazy levels of anxiety. Not fun. Luckily I have allowed some socialization to help me mitigate or ignore the drowning sensation. I also had a lovely headache for most of the day.

12/1/21 @ 1:35

Another bloody wave of anxiety. Oh goodie. If it was warmer outside I would start tomorrows yard work now. Instead I’m watching Netflix in the hopes of eventually being exhausted enough, where it doesn’t matter if I’m calm enough to sleep or not. It has been so difficult to fall asleep. When I do, then there is the challenge of staying asleep. It’s fun- Not so much.

12/15/21 @ 15:52

Sitting in beautiful San Diego, fighting a headache, waiting for my nieces swim practice to start and all I can think about is the freak out that my brain is having. I should be thrilled that my sis-in-law made it threw her surgery (and I am), I should be happy to be surrounded by family (and I am), but my mind hasn’t stopped spinning in circles for to long. I should have written last week, but I kept putting it off. Then there was the drive out, getting settled, figuring out the new routine, and everything else, and the brain still won’t stop. I don’t know what I need right now. I need more than this journal, so much more. It was suggested that on top of getting a therapist I check my thyroid levels to make sure that I’m as physically balanced as possible. I need to also take another serious look through the therapists and start putting out feelers. I can’t keep doing this to myself, or to others. I’m lucky in some ways. I have managed to keep self-harm to a minimum- in most ways. I have never cut, thought about suicide, or some of the extremest self deprivation. I’m more the over work, starve, exhaust, procrastinate type. It can be almost as harmful but I have created ways to help me with a lot of these things. Constantly reminding myself that I am enough, that I am worthy, that I am strongwomen. These mantras are not full proof but they help. Of course deep breathing, meditation, exercise, staying physically engaged in the world around me, and being healthy absolutely helps. Doesn’t stop me from spiraling, drowning, tripping, struggling, etc. At this point I’m so tired of my chest being super tight, my shoulders holding so much emotion, and the rest of me caught between restlessness and being a sloth. Heck, half of me is begging me to simply run screaming from my car and the other half just wants to cry. I hate being such an empath. I really wish I had learned better coping tools as I grew up through adulthood. I constantly feel overwhelmed because I don’t have an off button. My ‘Let it go’ button is broken and my ‘It rolls over me like a duck in water’ trigger is out of order as well. Being a responsible adult when you feel like this sucks, and is a major challenge. But there is nowhere I would rather be in this moment, than sitting quietly in my car writing while my niece watches her videos on YouTube. It is an oddly cool moment.

12/19/21 @13:55

Cooking class today. Lots of fun and fantastic information thrown at us. Had a short but nice conversation with my niece about why I am not working right now. She actually understood, since she struggles with her own anxiety issues. I think that both of us needed the moment to remember that we have a loved one, that we are close to, that in a way understands in a way that not everyone does.

12/30/21 @ 20:11

Because there isn’t enough to worry about personally now Covid numbers are almost worse than the original outbreak, there is a fire burning through neighborhoods close to our friends homes, and because who doesn’t love a good disaster or stress- my husband. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for him and how he helps keep me attached to what is going on around me, but I can’t let much more in, I feel like I am about to overload with stress and anxiety. I have been feeling very much like I am simply waiting for the clouds overhead to burst or shift or something. Since arriving at my families home I have stayed more connected with the average idiocy of the masses than I did when I was surrounded by them at work. I am grateful for this. I love my family and how they remind me that it is okay to struggle through the swamps of life and when we find ourselves giving in they are here to help pull us free.

1/7/22 @9:42

Sinus pain sucks. Headaches always get my brain swirling. Typically not in good directions. So far I have had topics like my infertility issues running through it, to how amazing my husband it, to how much I love my husbands family, to how much finding work terrifies me, to how much looking for a therapist makes me want to curl up in a ball and never see the light of day again. I’m so scared that I’m going to discover that yet another part of me is broken. Of course the logical side is fully aware that I have nothing broken about me. I am simply in need of help. Having a family was not in the cards for me. I’m not broken, hell, if I had wanted to have a family way before I was ready, I’m sure my body had been fully capable, but then I would have a whole different life, and I wouldn’t change my life now. I may have issues that need to be dealt with, but what matters most I wouldn’t trade for anything.

4/20/22 @6:20

So here I am caught in the middle of being very proud of myself and terrified all at once. I finally took the first step in dealing with my mental health, beyond the self-care that I have always done. I reached out to the best friend I could ever ask for and she gave me the information to where she goes, and a week from today I see a therapist. My mind is spinning so quickly between calm and crazy that I feel like I am back to where I was when I started this journaling. I needed to share, I need to continue sharing. Yes, this is going to be a painful journey, that is going to have some crazy ups and downs in it. I truly hope that if you have been following me so far, that you will stick with me. The whole point of making my thoughts public is to possibly help others in their own journey, so I will do my best to ensure to share as much of mine as I can. I have been doing small things around the house the last few months to keep myself busy, and to finally finish some incomplete projects that are surrounding me. Our dying apple tree is finally gone, slowly finishing up some other gardening projects, plus getting the house in order. This summer we will be getting a new fence and driveway, so I’m working on getting our rooms organized, so we can reach our year end goal of rescuing a fur baby. It has been too long for both my husband and myself since we have had a pet. Our home cries out for one or two. Setting these small goals helps keep me focused most of the time but since making my appointment on Monday my mind has made things a bit more of a challenge. Oh, another thing that I’m doing weekly is going with my mother to the Botanical Gardens and walking. We decided that we both need to stretch our legs and that to watch the seasons through nature would be perfect for us both. Another good thing about giving myself these small goals I have found more time to devote to being artistic again. My writing is seeing a true benefit from this. I’m organizing, expanding, growing, and developing a group of my stories so that hopefully one day I can hold my head up high and say, ‘I’m a published author.’ It is a life long dream, that I have gotten closer and closer to as the years go on.

4/24/22 @14:53

One moment I’m doing well the next the elephant is once again sitting down on my chest. I’m so tired of this seesaw of emotions. I understand that until I start getting some help this is my norm. Heck, even once I am getting help it will take a while for things to even out. I’m still trying to figure out why I finally snapped. I can think of a few things that kinda helped push me over the edge, but the big push that got me to the edge, that I have no idea.

4/27/22 @9:52

This morning was my first appointment with what I thought was going to be an actual therapy session. The clinic is geared more towards helping people get balanced in their lives but they don’t have full talking sessions, so I have a prescription for meds, which I fully intend upon taking and allowing them to do their job. Now I still need to search for someone to talk to. I am not really upset per se, but I am a smidge frustrated. I got some good advice and better ideas for the direction I need to start moving towards. I was hoping for more of the talking side of therapy today, but I will take any step in the right direction. Now I’m going to hopefully spend the rest of the day relaxing a bit, because I’m so highly triggered right now I feel like a walking time bomb. Thank you to whomever reads this for you time. I’m going to continue sharing this journey, because my idea hasn’t changed. This is good for me and might help someone else. Send some love out into the universe today, you never know who might need it. I send you some, right now.

6/29/22 @18:57

You know those commercials that tell you that a family is only a family if you have kids? I hate those commercials. All they do is remind me that I was not blessed with a child of my own. That I am one of those women who struggled and struggled for year after year trying to conceive, only to loose them all. After all of those years of pain and loss being piled on top of each other and then being informed by professionals that I would not be able to have a child of my own. How in the world do we have the type of healthcare for women where things like this happen? If we were to put half of the effort into making sure that every person got the best healthcare possible from birth, there would be so many less issues in our society surrounding abortion, contraceptives, and child birth. Heck, if we spent that much time on healthcare so many other issues would improve as well. Mental health would not be such a tabu subject to talk about and get help for. People would be in control of what happens to their own bodies. On the whole people might understand one another better, so we would be more tolerant of those that live their lives to a different drumbeat than our own. I will always treat others how I want to be treated. I will always do my best to remain openminded and empathetic to those around me. Please be good to each other. The world needs more understanding, not less.

7/4/22 @ 5:37

I’m not sure what is going on this morning. I feel like I need to cry, scream, curl up into a ball, and vomit all at once. So as you can imagine, I slept fantastically well last night. I’m sure that some of this is because of the stress that I have placed myself in the middle of. My mother-in-law is sick. Fighting cancer sick. Because of circumstances in everyones lives I was asked if I could step in and help take care of her so my father-in-law has some of the enormous strain lifted off of his shoulders. Of course I said yes. I love my in-laws. I grew up with them, they are family, as much as my own is. The problem is, I’m not as strong as I used to be. Mentally I wear out quicker. Because of that I am fighting desperately to figure out a balance. I NEED to find a balance before I start slipping backwards. I know that everyone, including my in-laws are worried about me, but I don’t have the answers yet. When I am in the moment I don’t notice the toll, but when I step away it all comes crashing down. I am stuck in this moment, wishing I knew how to ask for what I need, and still being able to help my family in our time of need. I knew that this battle was going to be difficult but in this exact moment I am feeling so overwhelmed I am terrified that I am going to trip and fail everyone. Where did my confident self go? I can pretend to be the stronger version of myself, but even she is cracked to the point of others noticing I don’t shine as brightly. Crap, here my brain goes down its dark rabbit hole, and for the moment I think I need to let it. Maybe this journey will help me lesson the tension building inside of me a bit.

7/16/22 @ 9:31

This morning I had been planning on challenging myself by going to my first Tai Chi class. This did not happen. Instead at about 1 AM I began that fun mental spiral down into my head and I have not been able to pull myself out of it yet. It has definitely left me feeling very fragile, like I could easily curl up into a ball and cry for the next five hours or so. I know that I am pushing myself during the week so I can be fully present to help my family, and I am so very grateful that I am able to be there for everyone right now. But finding something to help keep me balanced beyond meds and fantastic walks with my mother (we walk and talk on the phone at the same time) is a real challenge and if my anxiety keeps spiraling like this I just might push myself over the bend. I don’t want to go over the bend. I like myself crazy but not CRAZY.

12/28/22 @ 10:16

Spirals, lately they are mental and dark and nasty. The reality is that while, yes, I am doing better then, I was last year, or even the year before that, I am still struggling with the occasional spiral. Because of the reality of my mother-in-law, I am trying desperately to stay strong and continue forward, but I’m working with some very weak walls that still have holes in many places. It is frustrating and sometimes almost disheartening to discover that despite my progress, there is still so much to do. In some ways I love that I am closer to being steady enough to possibly begin my search for a part time job. In other ways I’m terrified that I may discover that I will never be ready for a job like I used to be.

            I am also worried that I won’t be strong enough for my husband when the time comes. I know that death and the reactions that we have to it differ, but this is his mother, and it is already hitting him hard. I am already here for him, but I struggle with it, and she is still alive and fighting. I am taking steps to help me and him, we are taking steps together, but to be very blunt, I’m flat out terrified that I am going to fail or break when he needs me the most. That realization, the one of failure, is the one that bothers me the most. When I was still able to hold our whole world on my shoulders, I would never be second guessing myself externally like this. But my emotional strength is not the same anymore. I disassociate in the moment to keep myself stronger, and I can’t do that with him. I need to be fully present with him because he is my whole world.

1/20/2023 @21:08

You know those days when everything seems okay on the outside, but on the inside you know something is wrong? I have been having one of those weeks/months, etc. Some of these swirling emotions are current demons that I am battling. Trying to work through some of what I have tucked away in my mind is not easy. I keep having to deal with reality and reality is almost more painful, so with the buildup of everything keeps my mind spinning. Being the victim of verbal abuse for over two decades from two very different siblings left its mark. Along with years of putting everyone else above my own needs. Add in the pain of realizing to late that you will never have your own family. Now place on top of that the knowledge that you are slowly loosing one of your mothers. All of this is keeping my mind spinning in circles and most of the time I don’t know which one of these things is bothering me the most. Finding the strength and insight to stay strong and continue working on the darkness that tries to drag me down. Writing about some of this may help, at the very least it helps me vent some.

2/10/2023 @20:50

Covid, my period and a touch of depression…I love life. Yes, I am on the mend, almost past being sick and my cycle. But now the dark clouds come rolling in, making me feel all kinds of fantastic. I feel almost helpless when it comes to helping my husband’s family with what they are going through right now. I know that I do help them, logically speaking, but emotionally I feel so raw and useless.

2/14/2023 @2:30

Loss. It happens to us all. Some losses are small, like losing a pencil. Other losses are larger, like losing a loved one. The grief brought on by each loss hits us differently, not because one loss is greater than another, but because they mean different things to us as individuals. You could take two professional teams that make it to the championships as an example. Both teams have worked very hard and played their hearts out all season long to make it to this final game, but there can only be one winner at the end of the match. Each person on the team is going to take that loss differently. No two fans are going to take the loss the same way. Blame will be dished out, every moment will be gone over with a fine-toothed comb to see where improvements can be made, even self-confidence can be broken. These same variations and reactions happen during other types of loss as well. Over the years a person might drift away from a friend, go through a heartbreak, or tragedy might strike. Each moment causes us to think. At some point reflection comes into the picture. And sometimes life reminds us of that loss again and we go back through our reflections. I have lost family members, I have lost friendships, I have had my heart broken, and I might have broken a heart too. I have lost potential children and distanced myself from siblings for my wellbeing. Each of these moments have left their marks on me. Some of these have left be simply bruised while others have left me traumatized. A few of them have combined to become a tangled web of trauma that loves to drag me down when I’m venerable. Because of the decades of abuse that I lived through, thanks to two of my adopted siblings, I only had two choices to have a family of my own. Thanks to my body’s inability to produce good eggs I ended up with only one, to be an animal mama. I look around at most of the people that I have known for most of my life, and I envy them, because they are proud parents. I will always be happy for them. I don’t even think less of myself for the difference’s life delt us. It just hits me hard sometimes, hard enough to tear my heart out all over again. I didn’t even know how much I wanted a child of my own until I found out that I couldn’t. There isn’t anyone for me to blame, there are no moments for me to analyze, but my self-confidence, it took a hit. When I reflect upon those losses I wonder about my self-worth. Then I think about all of the people that are around me, who have been around me for most of my life. There is no way that they would still be around if I was not worth something. I would not have the love of my husband and family if I was not worthy. I am worthy, I am strong, and I will continue to walk forward, one day with animals in my life again.

I get asked a lot why I don’t have children. Sometimes the question is asked innocently, other times it is more of a, ‘look I have this great family, why don’t you’. Well, a few years ago I would have told you that we are still trying. Now I answer that I was not blessed with that ability. Then they tend to immediately start talking about adoption. I am very aware that there are many children in need of a good home, but if you take into account everything I have dealt with as the older sister of my adopted siblings, would you want to tempt repeating that path again? Plus, why do I need to have a child in order to have a family?

I have an amazing family, my loving husband, wonderful parents, amazing in-laws, friends that are more like my siblings, and my siblings. When people start going on about how children make a family, I start looking around at mine and silently disagree.

I have friends who’s dogs, cats, or other pets are their children. When we discovered that children of our own were just not going to happen, pets became our goal. Have we achieved that goal yet? No. But we are so close we can almost hear the clicking of canine nails on our hardwood floors.

To me family is what you make it to be. Not what others tell you it should be. Family can be blood, family can be bonds forged through fire, family can be a common thread that keeps us bound together. Family is beautiful, no matter how it is created, so please don’t tell me or others what we are missing in order to create a family like yours. You never know how hurtful such a simple comment can be.

What ever happened to the days of lying on the grass in the backyard, staring up at the sky and dreaming of what your life will be like when you grow up? Or even sitting in class realizing that the current lesson would be really interesting to learn more about and turn into a career?

I know that dreams change and morph into more realistic goals as we grow up, but to stop dreaming. I don’t think I can ever do that. My mind is much to creative for that. My imagination is constantly at play in everything that I do. Does this come across for everyone to see? Not really. I guess if someone looks closely enough, they will notice some of this showing from time to time.

Beyond work I am constantly trying to keep my brain happy with outlets for what crosses it. I dabble with writing, I sew, cook, read, and game. I also color, because let’s face it, nobody is too old to color. I also am starting to garden, more and more. All of these avenues help keep my mind engaged in either productive ways or non-destructive ones.

As I read that last paragraph, I realize that it makes me sound like I can’t sit still and concentrate on just one thing. I absolutely can. There are times when that means that I need more than one thing going at a time. I have music going almost constantly around me, or the noise from a movie or television. But there are also times when I sit in complete silence and I’m just as happy.

All of this has kept dreams in my life constantly changing. But dreams are always there. I may not be looking up at the sky or sitting in a classroom thinking of them, but I still find or change them all the time.

(Now of course I want to lie in the grass out front and look up at the sky :D)

How does a strong individual loose confidence in themselves? I’m sure that there are many different ways. I know that my own has taken many hits and each time I have picked myself back up and continued on.
The problem that I have run across is that not every hit is noticeable at first. Sometimes it takes a major event to show you that the foundation that you thought was strong in that area is gone, or maybe it is the opposite. You survived the huge event and some tiny straw pushes you over the cliff.

Logically speaking I know that I’m a strong person. I have a great support system surrounding me. I also know that what I see wrong is pretty much all in my mind. But when your heart stops and the anxiety creeps in, what happens to all of that strength? That support feels so far away or flimsy. Just writing this has my anxiety trying to take over. Mind you, I am not the person to get up in front of a crowd and talk. Public speaking has never been easy for me, but I need to face a fear or two in order to move forward. Telling the world that I’m not as strong as I once was hurts. But it is my truth. Am I still standing, yes? Am I still fighting to get stronger, absolutely? But it hurts, a whole bunch.
Confidence has always been something I have battled with in its many forms. How I looked was a huge one for a huge chunk of my early adulthood. It got so bad that I ended up with an eating disorder. Now I have been happy with who I am on the outside for years. Working on being happy with my mind and where I am now is a much harder battle.

Wow. I am always telling myself that I should be more proactive with my writing, even if what I’m writing for everyone to see is not the stories that I slowly build in private. I never know when something I’m going through, or thinking could help or even inspire someone to help me. Heck, my words might simply be self-serving sometimes. That is what I want though. To see my thoughts written, and out there in cyber-space for whoever wants to see them.

Does this choice cause my heart to constrict with just a bit of anxiety? Yes.

Do I have the thought of deleting everything immediately? Yes.

Will I allow myself to hide, now that I have chosen to take this step out of the shadows? NO!!!!

I need to do this. I need this personal push. I need to challenge myself so I can continue to grow. I have hopes and dreams that I keep letting slip though my fingers that I need to start grasping at and hopefully this is a small step in me doing just that. I need to help keep myself moving in a positive direction so my wonderful family and friends know that I am still here, still trying to move forward, and finally ready to open up about things that I have held inside for far too long.

I’m sure that I will end up talking about things here that some of you may not have known, well now you will. I might simply be repeating things that you have known for years. Well guess what? This is for me, not you, so understand that and be respectful of my public journey.